Unforgiving Tears
by mistyblue814
Summary: SW Rebels AU: Kanan dies, leaving every one of the Ghost Crew in pieces. But it only gets worse when Ezra leaves too, abandoning the life of a Force to try and relieve the pain of the loss of his Master. It leaves the rest of the crew more broken than before, and only in private does she constantly battle what happened to her family.


Hera was going over the details of the latest mission that she was setting up for Phoenix Squadron when she heard Zeb stepping towards her doorway. His footsteps, ever since, were soft now. He didn't bound through the ship anymore. It was as though he didn't have it in him anymore.

"It's open," Hera was surprised how clear her voice was, catching Zeb before he could knock at her door.

Instead of the knock, there was just the sound of the room-doors opening. Turning in her chair slightly, knocking into her desk a little, Hera looked over at the large Lasat, still holding the data pad in her hand.

"Yes, Zeb?" she asked, her voice even sounding normal.

"Chop just got a message from Sabine. She's just about to enter the atmosphere," Zeb answered, making a pointing gesture towards the direction of the cockpit.

Hera nodded, staring down at the floor for a moment. Gulping, after a moment she forced herself to look back up at Zeb. His ears were lowered slightly. The topic on their minds did not need an introduction. They have been talking about it ever since Sabine left again two days ago.

"I'll tell her," Hera told him, watching a bi of his awkwardness start to go. "Like I said I would."

"Okay," Zeb agreed. He nodded a couple of times, moving his head to stare down the hall before he then commented, "I'll start making something."

"Thank you," Hera told him. "I'm almost done here."

Zeb nodded patting the wall a couple of times before he walked off, leaving the door open for Sabine. Her first stop in was always to talk to Hera.

Noticing that her hands were starting to tremble, Hera turned back to her desk, her back to the door as she tried to flex her fingers, hoping that she would gain the strength back in them. Though she was staring at the datapad, she hardly noticed that it was starting to shut off from lack of use. Her stomach was starting to turn over, getting nervous about the upcoming conversation. It was extra agitation on her jumbling nerves.

After Kanan's death, she felt as though she was an emptying shell. When Ezra left, she felt like something was beating at that hollow shell to make her crumble. How she had not yet was a mystery to her, but the echoing of the weapon hitting her moved through every bone in her body daily, never letting her forget.

It had been almost a month ago, yet the wound still seemed fresh. It was still bleeding.

The first time Sabine left, Hera had paced her room for hours from fear. She didn't know if she could take losing Sabine too. Her heart couldn't bare the loss of another person she loved.

When the Mandalorian had come back, completely fine but with a more worn-in frown, Hera hugged her tightly, as though she didn't believe it. At some point, Hera was sure that she never actually would come back again. And Sabine's arms around her never felt as great.

It wasn't long, actually sooner than she thought, that Hera recognized the sound of the pattern of Sabine's walk, making it's way through the hallway. It was like a countdown for each step. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…

"Hera?" Sabine asked, not bothering to try and knock at the open door.

Hera didn't turn, but she cleared her throat, answering the girl, "in here…almost ready to eat with you all."

Somehow she knew that Sabine nodded and looked around the slightly dark room before she sighed.

"You're not even going to ask me this time," she stated.

"I can already tell," Hera answered.

This was her fourth trip of looking for Ezra. She left once the day he left, hoping he had not gone too far. She spent days searching every corner of Lothal, and the other trips going to other planets Ezra commented that he liked to enjoy, or places he could easily hide in.

Hera knew she would always come back alone, as much as that hurt.

"Sabine, I think that it's time that we stop looking," Hera whispered.

Even though her back was turned to the Mandalorian, Hera could easily picture in her head the image of Sabine's back straightening in surprise and hurt during the small seconds of silence.

"But…Hera…" this time, Sabine's voice was small. Perhaps in then back of her mind, Sabine was starting to realize the truth, but didn't want to believe it. Maybe even just the though seemed to hurt her. Hera didn't know.

"He'll come to us if he wants to be found," Hera told her, still not facing the younger woman. That's what she was now…a woman. Force, Hera thought. She could remember when the Mandalorian teen first started on the crew; shorter, along with her hair, and she still had the chubbiness of youth in her cheeks. She had grown so much…they had all grown so much, and much faster than any of them ever should. Especially Ezra and Sabine.

When had this all happened. Hera could still clearly remember the first time Sabine boarded the ship…the first time Ezra did too. The distant memory seemed so long ago yet it at the same time it felt like it wasn't. Maybe it was all a trick. Maybe Ezra and Sabine were just born adults, unable to enjoy youth.

Perhaps they all had.

Yet as old as Sabine was, there was a child-like tone of hurt in her voice. It wasn't in a tone of a wounded animal or in anguish, but as though a child who had to accept something that they would never have, where they would just say 'okay' in a small voice before walking away, holding their sadness inside even though you knew the silent tears would be whimpering down their face as soon as they left the room to be alone.

"I guess you're right," Sabine concluded, though Hera knew that acceptance would yet come. It might come tonight, but it would not be easy. Somehow Zeb had accepted all of this with such grace, but then again, he had to say goodbye to many people before. That or he just knew how to hide the emotions better.

Hera didn't know which one hurt more. But either way, Zeb was one to grieve and accept alone and Hera had to let him do that. It didn't make her feel that much better though.

Honestly, nothing really made her feel better anymore.

She could only hope that would come later. Where it didn't hurt her so much, where the thought of both of them gone didn't feel like a tear in her heart, where it didn't make her feel sick or leave her gasping for breath with tears running down her face.

No, she could only hope for that. And that it would come soon.

But for now, Hera almost winced at the silent footsteps out of her room. The door closing never felt so cold and Hera could already imagine Sabine's face, starting to twist in hurt as she held her chin tightly, as though to make sure it would not falter.

Staring at the dark datapad, Hera didn't even notice that her hands were subconsciously searching for the small filmsi note in her top desk drawer, her blank face starting to contort.

As her shaking hands placed the note in front of her, Hera couldn't read the writing from the blurriness of her vision, but as the blobs of black writing moved across the page, she knew each word from heart.

 _I'm sorry, Hera, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be this anymore. I'm sorry. Thank you for everything. I'll never forget you or everything you've done for me._

 _-Ezra_

A small whimper almost escaped her, but Hera managed to muffled it last minute as she hugged the note to her chest. It was too short, too impersonal for her.

She never even got the chance to say goodbye. She never got the chance to try and persuade him to stay, but maybe that was why he just left the note for her, sliding it under her room door as he left in the middle of the night. He had already made up his mind and he didn't want to be persuaded otherwise. Maybe he couldn't face her.

What Hera didn't know was that Ezra left small notes for all of them, even telling Chopper to 'take care of them' before managing to convince him to let him leave. The only note Hera knew was about her own and for her, the last words she ever heard from him were far too short.

Hera had tried to talk to him the days after Kanan's death. She begged him to open the door to Kanan's Jedi room, but it wouldn't budge. Ezra only came out for food, but even then he said nothing. It was so unlike him that Hera started to realize that a part of Ezra died along with Kanan, that he had changed so much within the matter of seconds that Kanan was gone.

Trembling slightly, Hera didn't hear Chopper try to contact her over the com-link.

She lost Kanan and that was hard enough on her. She hadn't slept that first night. The swelling feeling of grief and pain was so overwhelming. The entire night she had felt like she was fighting for breath while still holding the mask up to show that she could still move on while part of her wished she was gone as well.

So when she woke up to find out that Ezra had left too…

The pain of missing them felt like it was ready to take over her whenever she was ready to fully give in. She probably could have made it if he were here.

Hera clutched the note tighter to her chest, hugging it close as more tears streamed from her face. Two of her family members were gone. Her family was broken and she felt like she couldn't breathe. She knew that nothing would be the same again. Ezra had grown into her life and Kanan was the love of her life. It felt as though some horrible monster had knifed her twice and left laughing in her face as she bleed.

She couldn't breathe.

Force, she couldn't _breathe_.

 _Kanan_ , Hera's mind whimpered. What had happened to them?

She could only hope that one day he would make his way back to them, to her.

Just one more time.


End file.
